I began this website because at the time, I needed it. I needed a place to write out all of my feelings, because the escape was necessary and healing. I look back on the posts I did over the course of a couple years and I see someone who had made great strides, but was still so uncertain and operating from a place of fear.
A lot has changed over the year I wasn’t posting. I said enough and took my health back and have lost over a hundred pounds. That’s something I’ve struggled to talk about here. I have tried several times, and each time I had to stop because the words weren’t flowing the way I wanted them to. I’ve written about hard topics before, but this has been my most difficult one to put in words to date. Each time, I had to stop because I was crying too hard to continue.
I brushed my weight loss off at first, even as people began to notice and comment on it. I refused to tell anyone my ultimate goal. I had lost some weight before, and always gained it back, but something had shifted in me and I knew this was different. As the time went on and I edged closer to my goal, my cautious optimism gave way to joy.
Yet, despite this, I guarded myself.
I was so comfortable in that space of being an “anonymous big girl” that when I shed that outward appearance like an old winter coat, I found myself feeling naked and exposed. I wanted to protect her, this new version of me. I was afraid to share; what if somehow the sharing led to losing her?
My body has become something different. It’s been my home for my entire life, and it’s wondrously smaller, stronger, healthier. It’s also got stretch marks, and new, humbling angles that are only now beginning to become familiar to me.
It didn’t change who I am fundamentally as a person. I am still someone who cries when she’s in an art museum, who greets bugs as her friends, who lives in books, and has a dry sense of humor.
I am both the same and so much more than who I was. I found a determination and love for myself I didn’t know I had. I no longer worry that sharing will somehow steal that journey from me. I lived it. I did it. That fact resides with me and no one can ever take away what I’ve accomplished.
Yes. This feels right. This is how I was meant to write this post.